you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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