I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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