So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize