soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
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