i jhust puked up my retainher.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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