Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
