you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
