Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
