Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize
