Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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