I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
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