you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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