you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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