Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Randomize
