i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
