census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
