If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
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