Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
