My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
