I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
My breasts were aching with rage.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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