If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
