oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
