be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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