Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
