stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
