I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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