I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
