Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Randomize
