Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
