I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I pour the whiskey from now on
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
