I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize