I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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