I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Randomize
