According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize
