This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
