OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
pop tarts are not kleenex
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
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