I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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