i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
