and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
