I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
