I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
