It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
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