I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
