stop calling my apartment porn island.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
