I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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