How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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