saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
