I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Can I color on your dick again?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
