Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
