My boss' voice literally gives me gas
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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