He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
