At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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