Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
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