Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Someone shattered a urinal.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Randomize
