why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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