my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
