Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
is that a dick in a sweater?
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
