When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
