No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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