I feel like I'm in dance class right now
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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