I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
